


Of Clones and Wizards: Outtakes and AUs

by Zirakinbar



Series: Of Clones and Wizards [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003) - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crossover, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Gen, Young Harry Potter, children in warzones
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27067924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zirakinbar/pseuds/Zirakinbar
Summary: One-shots, AUs and outtakes from 'Of Clones and Wizards' (in which an 11-year-old Harry Potter falls head-first into the Clone Wars and has the kind of time you might expect a young wizard to have in the middle of a horrific galaxy-wide war).
Series: Of Clones and Wizards [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1975549
Comments: 360
Kudos: 647





	1. Obi-Wan on Christophsis

Obi-Wan felt like he hadn’t slept in days. Christophsis was turning into a nightmare, with Ventress hovering around like a particularly unpleasant smell. The men were on edge after Sergeant Slick’s uncovering and it hadn’t helped that they’d only managed to save the heavy cannons from sabotage. Sometimes it felt like they were just reeling from one disaster to another since Geonosis.

There was a rap at his door and Obi-Wan raised his head. “Enter,” he called and wasn’t surprised to see Commander Cody there, his helmet tucked under his arm. “I trust there’s nothing wrong?” he asked his Commander and Cody notably hesitated. _Ah_ , Obi-Wan thought and recognised that he wouldn’t be getting his planned sleep. He stood up, tucking his hands into his robes.

“Nothing bad, sir,” Cody assured him and that was at least a relief. “Some survivors rejoining from another legion.”

Obi-Wan blinked. “That’s wonderful news,” he said. His Commander wouldn’t have disturbed him this late at night just for that however.

“There’s a Padawan with him,” Cody said and Obi-Wan felt his shoulders sag.

“Ah,” he said. “I assume that the Padawan’s Master is dead then.” He gestured for Cody to lead the way and they fell into an easy pace between them.

“The ‘trooper thinks so,” Cody said neutrally and Obi-Wan frowned.

“Is the Padawan not able to say so themself?” he asked cautiously and Cody stared straight ahead.

“He – doesn’t speak Basic, sir,” Cody said and Obi-Wan tried to process this. He couldn’t think of any Padawans that had been assigned out here without the language capabilities. Ryvvokka maybe? But the wookie was not quite of age yet and the general tendency was to give Initiates an extra couple of years right now – no one wanted to be taking a youngling out into battle.

“I see,” he said slowly. “Surely we have some translation software around-”

“Non-compatible, sir,” Cody said, then after a deliberate pause. “He doesn’t have a lightsabre either, sir.”

No _lightsabre_? “Are you certain he’s a Padawan?” Obi-Wan enquired cautiously. He couldn’t think of any Initiates that had gone missing recently – perhaps, however unlikely, the so-called Padawan was a natural Force user. ( _Or a plant by Ventress,_ a nasty voice hissed in his mind).

“The ‘trooper seems to think so, sir,” Cody said. “Said the kid,” a pause and then an abrupt correction, “The Commander healed a gut shot that should have killed him, as well as getting droids to overlook them.”

That certainly sounded more than anyone untrained should be able to do. Obi-Wan pursed his lips together in thought as they rounded into the med-bay. Hatchet was in full force hovering over a small figure and the only thing that came to mind was-

“He is most certainly _not_ old enough to be here,” Obi-Wan said, aghast.

Cody hummed in agreement.


	2. Clone Rumours

“What’s got Command in a mess?” TK asked, inclining his head towards where General Secura was standing, Commander Bly pacing restlessly beside her. He wasn’t the only one watching, the whole battalion well-attuned to their commanders’ moods. Jimi slid in beside him, his tray slamming down noisily – he’d been on comms that day.

“There was an attack,” he said in an undertone, hiding it beneath the rustle of the ration pack tearing open. “On the Temple.”

All of the _vod_ at the table went still at that. “Isn’t that where the kiddie generals are kept?” Bullseye asked after a moment. “And it’s got all the off-duty generals there – how could anyone get in?”

Jimi looked nervous, trying to hide it behind stuffing his face rapidly. No one was letting him stay silent though.

“I don’t know for _sure_ ,” he hissed finally. “But they’re saying – they’re saying it was one of _us_ who let them in. Rigged a bunch of bombs.”

One of _them_? But – that didn’t make sense, they were _made_ for the Jedi. No one would – none of his brothers would do something like that. He could see his incomprehension reflected back at him from the others around him.

“Was there a defect?” TK asked finally. “They have to have decommissioned him, right?”

Jimi shrugged briefly. “Like I said, it’s all rumours,” he muttered. “They started talking about Sith and then General Secura took it for a closed call.”

“Sith?” Bullseye asked, his eyes intent. “Like on,” and his voice dropped into a hush, “Eskilon-5?”

They all reached over instinctively to tap a brother’s armour for luck, trying to ward off even the thought of that mission. No one knew for _certain_ what had happened but they’d all seen the casualty report – and they’d seen the Commander vomiting after he’d seen the holo-stills of whatever battle had taken place. Whatever had gone on there had been _bad_.

“Might be the same,” Jimi whispered. “The casualty list wasn’t anywhere near as bad but – the 304th was on it again.”

“ _No_ ,” TK breathed. “Again? Those bastards are walking bad luck at this point.”

“Was it one of them?” Bullseye asked, low and urgent. “Who let the Sith in?”

Jimi shrugged briefly. “I dunno,” he said. “But would _you_ ever work with someone who killed that many of your brothers? If it was one of them, they’ve got to be broken in the head.”

“Nothing confirmed though?” TK asked and Jimi shook his head, the barest inch of a movement. They all looked up to see Commander Bly move in closer to General Secura, a deep frown embedded on his face.

“Did they bring the Sith down?”

“No,” Jimi whispered. “His face is up on all the channels in Coruscant. Human, mid-thirties. Killed _eighteen Jedi_ and got away uninjured is what I heard. Forty brothers.”

“ _Kriff_ ,” one of them said. They’d all seen General Secura fight – _eighteen_ of her, without taking injury? “What do you even do to fight that?”

“Who’s stationed at the Temple?” TK asked. “Can we get them on a call?”

“Maybe we should ask a lucky 304th,” Mash said morbidly. “Please break down your experience with Sith, rating 1-10 for each encounter.”

“They’ve got to be disbanded,” Bullseye said. “That much bad luck must be contagious or something.”

Jimi grimaced in agreement. “Look,” he muttered. “Batch before me ended up in the Coruscant guard. Let me reach out, see if I can get any more information.”

“Someone needs to get hold of the Eskilon-5 stuff as well,” TK said. “If it’s the same Sith…”

Bullseye laughed abruptly. “On the plus side,” he said, “However bad it is for _us,_ at least we’re not 304th bad.”


	3. Krell dies on Christophsis

CC-3397 wasn’t quite sure to do. He stared down at the orders that were quite clearly addressed to both him and General Krell’s Padawan and then glanced over to where Commander Harry sat swinging his legs as he ate his ration pack. The Jedi couldn’t be serious, could they? He scrolled through the order sets and was forced to admit, grimacing, that they apparently could.

“Sir,” Captain Ash said, coming to a salute beside him. CC-3397 eyed him deliberately. There was no need to play obedient soldier with General Krell, well-

“The General’s body is packed up?” he asked, and Ash nodded sharply.

“We kept the lightsabres out – might be the Commander can make use of them,” he said. “Sir, do you know when we’ll be getting our orders? And a general?”

“Oh, we’ve been given our orders,” CC-3397 said blandly. “Commander Harry’s in charge.”

“Uh,” Ash said. They both looked at the tiny, eleven-year-old human. “Do the Jedi _know_ that he’s,” he gestured a little.

CC-3397 spread his hands wide to clearly indicate his lack of understanding of anything that the Jedi might or might not know.

“Huh,” Ash said.

“We’ve got an assault on Crystal City in two days’ time.”

Commander Harry was now intently trying to repeat a sentence that Cricket was trying to teach him. CC-3397 was pretty sure it contained more swearwords than actual words from the way the troopers around him were snickering.

“Do we – tell the Jedi?” Ash asked cautiously.

“Nah,” CC-3397 said. “Do _you_ want General Krell v2.0?”

“Our Commander’s eleven,” Ash pointed out, and after a pause, “And he barely speaks Basic.”

“We’ll leave him at camp,” CC-3397 said. “Seefer can be his bodyguard.” He reviewed the battle plans thoughtfully and marked up a couple of changes. No need to go over the top now that Krell wasn’t there to insist on it. Now he just had to-

“Commander,” he called and Harry glanced up at him immediately. He was a cute little thing, their Commander, CC-3397 thought reluctantly. He held out the datapad. “I need you to sign this.”

“Sign?” Harry asked uncertainly and one of the troopers made a scribbling gesture. Harry shrugged and marked the datapad up where he’d been told to. “Okay?” he asked and CC-3397’s smile felt unfamiliar to him.

“Perfect,” he assured the kid- the Commander. A few clicks had the amendments submitted and he tucked the datapad away carefully. “Now, who’s managing the Commander’s training? Can’t be letting him fall behind.”


	4. Krell dies on Christophsis (part 2)

CC-3397 – and he needed to get himself a name sooner or later, or suffer through more of Harry’s stumbling misery when he couldn’t quite get the numbers right – was staring at the current bane of his life.

They’d made their way through with minimal casualties on Christophsis and then been shipped out to Eskilon-5 as a relatively low-risk assignment while the Jedi figured out how to use a general-less legion. It had been fairly peaceful, CC-3397 was forced to admit, and a state of affairs he was loathe to give up, however much the jungle humidity was getting on his nerves. (There hadn’t been a death in three weeks now!)

Instead of spending their time doing pointless repairs and polishing already sparkling white armour, the 304th had managed to diversify their interests. Top of the list for most of the troops seemed to be tormenting the Commander into finding new ways of using the Force, bullying him in the guise of teaching him the language, and otherwise running him through an accelerated education program that the CCs normally went through. Their Commander, CC-3397 thought with no little sense of satisfaction, was _thriving_.

All good things must come to an end though, and one of the Jedi archivists was being particularly fussy about not having an updated file for their Commander. Apparently General Krell had filled out the bare minimum, citing something about a ‘chapter Temple’ and ‘transfer’ and then never bothering to update it (Apparently transfers were not unheard of for senior Padawans that were performing well in the smaller Temples). They’d somehow slipped through the cracks this far and CC-3397 would _really appreciate_ it if they could stay buried in their current crack for as long as possible.

“Sir,” Poms said and CC-3397 glanced up to acknowledge the medical report that had been prepared for him. The medic didn’t leave after handing it over and CC-3397 cocked an eyebrow.

“I was doing some research, sir,” Poms said, very mildly. His eyes were fixed somewhere over CC-3397’s shoulder. “Besalisk lifespans are a little different to humans.” He paused deliberately and CC-3397 narrowed his eyes. Why should he care about Besalisk- _oh_ , he thought.

“Really?” he asked casually and Poms nodded sharply.

“Besalisks are considered children aged up until their eighth birthday, young adults until twelve and adults from thirteen years onwards,” he said.

“Huh,” CC-3397 said thoughtfully. “The Commander would be… twelve now, right?” He was pretty sure the kid’s birthday had passed recently – or as near as they could reckon it.

Poms shrugged. “Might have been thirteen, sir,” he said blandly. “Sometimes his accent is hard to understand.”

“And General Krell definitely said that the Commander was of his species,” CC-3397 said. He eyed the datapad.

“Wouldn’t want to contradict a General, sir,” Poms offered.

“No,” CC-3397 said. “We definitely wouldn’t.” He typed in a few words and scrolled down to speciality. “Didn’t the General also say the Commander’s healing was very advanced?” he asked.

“Said it would earn him his knighthood in time, sir,” Poms confirmed.

“And we’ve got him using the general’s lightsabre, so that’s a preference for a sabrestaff…” CC-3397 murmured. The Commander had even managed to avoid stabbing himself thus far, although it had been a close call on several points. “Primary language would be Ojom but competency in… let’s go for written Basic.” They’d managed to get a highly illegal translator for the Besalisk language running on a database and since then the Commander’s reading had _leapt_ ahead, able to use a dictionary to translate back and forth.

“Anything else you needed, Poms?” CC-3397 asked as he tapped in the final few notes. “And good initiative on the additional research. It’s important that we’re able to treat the Commander to the best of our abilities.”

“Absolutely, sir,” Poms said with all earnestness. “Actually, Rics did want to know if there was any way to get access to the general Jedi archives. I think the Commander’s supposed to complete a few assignments on the core classes that he obviously doesn’t have access to the required material for.”

“It _would_ be a tragedy if he couldn’t complete those,” CC-3397 agreed with a straight face. And if it so happened to give them access to the general Jedi training material in the meantime, well – the Commander probably _would_ benefit from Force training that wasn’t just the troopers trying to wind him up and see what might happen.


	5. The Trio in Christophsis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /Slightly/ less cheerful than the other parts...

The explosion, when it comes, is _massive_ – Harry sees Quirrell’s eyes widen briefly for a second before he is gone, the green-gold-white light splitting and spreading darting out in instant beyond the veil of flames out-out- _out_ -

-Hermione, desperately running to try and find _anyone,_ struggling over the troll’s corpse, is not expecting it at all, just an instant of pain and then-

-Ron’s still unconscious as the light licks over him. Madame Pomfrey could have healed him in an instance but she’s _not here_ and the magic steals him too-

***

CT-4387 is dying. He’s been left here in Crystal City and the corpses of his brothers are discarded around him. His leg’s a mess and he thinks one of the clankers might have hit something a bit more vital than he’d prefer on his torso. His head is spinning and there’s blackness creeping at the edge of his vision. He _hurts_ , he’s dying but he’s not dead yet and that’s all that counts. He’s got his blaster in his hand and if the clankers come back at least he won’t go quietly.

He – might be hallucinating, though, the pain driving him to sharp distraction because one second he blinks and the next second there’s a human standing there, sparks of lights dissipating. He thinks – of asking for help, begging maybe, a brief moment of hope but his eyes are blurry and – are those _kids_?

Jedi, he thinks dimly, and Padawans by the robes but there’s a high-pitched voice shrieking and one of the kids is lying still and another is covered in blood and they’re – they’re trying to run from the man and that’s _not right_. One of the little figures drops, convulses like they’re being tortured, _screams-_

 _No_ , CT-4387 thinks. No, _no_ , and he can still raise his arm and his blaster’s as sure as it’s ever been and the man – he doesn’t expect it, a shot from behind, _collapses_ and the stench of his burning flesh is covered up by everyone else dead and dying here too. The kid’s not screaming any more – are they – he hopes they survive, that’d be something good-

Someone’s dropping down beside him and he tries to focus but he can’t. A little high-pitched voice is babbling questions at him and he can’t tell if its actually words they’re saying. He tries to reassure them but can only get out a groan of pain. _Just a little kid_ , he thinks – why did the Jedi send them out here? He smiles and there’s a spark of something – a jolt of pain in his chest. The kid is saying something over and over again and there’s that same odd light compressed in the space – but he’s just so kriffing _tired_ -

He lets the darkness creep in. Just a little rest, he thinks.

***

Hermione’s hands are shaking desperately. She doesn’t know what’s happened, she doesn’t know where they are but there’s a man who saved them dying in front of them. She swishes and flicks and tries to remember all the little healing tricks she read about but they barely edge at the horrific looking wound that gapes in his torso.

“Swap,” Harry says hoarsely, his voice torn from screaming from whatever Voldemort did to him. “I don’t – I don’t know what to do with Ron.”

He’s managed to levitate Ron over to them and Hermione concedes. Harry might not have her delicacy but he’s managed to brute force some spells in ways that she just can’t and – and – she can check Ron over because Harry doesn’t know how to do that properly and oh, she read about this diagnosis spell but she just can’t _remember-_

“It’s _episkey_ ,” she tells Harry quickly. “Swish and flick, and,” she swallows. “Just _episkey_.”

Harry nods at her and moves into the position over the man’s head. He takes over the muttered repetition of the spell and Hermione watches with desperate relief as the skin creeps together slowly. She tries to remember her first aid because it’s _not good_ that Ron’s been unconscious so long, and after a moment she remembers _enervate_ and tries that too. It – might work? He seems to be breathing steadier but he’s still not waking-

She wants her parents, she thinks through a desperate lump in her throat. She wants to _be home_.

She thinks that home might be a long way away now.


	6. Post-Chapter 26: Ron POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one’s because I think we didn’t get enough of Ron’s POV in the main fic. Warnings for character deaths and general grimness apply. ☹
> 
> Set just after chapter 26 in the main fic.

The anger was slow to cool. Ron – he’d always had a temper, always held a grudge but now there wasn’t anyone to cheer him up out of it. He ground his hands against his eyes and tried to breathe slowly.

He just – he didn’t see how Hermione could be so _bull-headed_ about it all! She was supposed to be the bright one, the smartest witch of their year and yet- he shook his head furiously. He – wished Harry was here. His death had marked the point where it had all started to go wrong.

The halls of Hogwarts were achingly empty. They had been for a couple of years now, ever since You-Know-Who had returned in force. He’d been picking them off, family by family, step by step, every time a hit in the night and- Well. His hands were trembling and he stuck them in his pockets to hide it.

He didn’t know what had happened That Night. No one really did but the best guess they’d come up with was that Harry had somehow destroyed the Stone and been killed by You-Know-Who in turn. Dumbledore had caught up with them, fought Quirrell in an immense battle that had finished with a shade fleeing Hogwarts and rumours spanning across the Wizarding World of a Dark Lord not quite dead…

Maybe that had been what had prompted Lucius Malfoy’s actions. Ron had to fight the instinct to spit at the name – the blood feud between their families was still going strong, even with the few living members left to hold to it. The crawling coward had done something to Ginny, used her as some kind of sacrifice – he could still remember those blood red letters painted on the walls and- they’d never even got her _body_ back.

They’d got You-Know-Who back instead.

Ron swallowed roughly, pausing to lean his head back against the wall. He’d been jealous of his siblings at one point – he was just ickle Ron, nothing special, nothing for him to stand out. When he thought back on it all, he just wished that he could have been – a better brother maybe. That they’d all known that he loved them. He hoped they had.

He’d – just, he’d _tried_. He’d been twelve and his best mate was dead and Hermione couldn’t explain what had happened and he’d _tried_ to be understanding but maybe the words hadn’t come out right, but – when people had started asking pointed questions, he defended her, hadn’t he? And they’d done the right thing to go down there, he knew they had – otherwise You-Know-Who would have had the Stone and he’d have been back a year early. He’d told everyone that and when people had got nasty he’d used his wand and when that hadn’t worked, he’d used his fists. And he’d got his head down and he’d studied and he’d tried to make himself into the soldier that he knew they’d need… but he was just Ronald Weasley in the end. He wasn’t any magical talent, not really.

And things had got – worse. You-Know-Who had got worse. Every day there were reports of deaths, of destruction and it wasn’t even like there were that many of them to begin with. And then the Death Eaters had realised if they went out targeting muggles then the Order and the Aurors would come running which made it easier for them to be picked off-

-That had been how Bill had died. Brave Bill, throwing himself into the fight for some muggles who’d died _anyway_ because their bodies couldn’t stand up to the magic being used to heal them.

It was just – they had to look out for their _own_ , didn’t they? He had nothing against the muggles but they weren’t his family and he wasn’t going to put _his friends and family_ at risk for them. Let them fight for themselves. Hermione could talk about _duty_ all she wanted but all it served to do was to make them easy targets for the Death Eaters who didn’t care about collateral damage.

And he’d practiced his curses and his hexes and got stronger and faster, desperate to join his brothers before any more of them could die-

-And then, of course, You-Know-Who had assaulted Hogwarts. He’d brought the giants and his inferi, a whole swarm of undead muggles that he must have been sourcing for months and he’d just sent them in swarm after swarm. Fred and George – they had – it hadn’t been pretty. He’d fought though, and he’d survived and he’d proved he was a Gryffindor, _truly_ , even though he’d had those doubts creeping up in him-

Dumbledore had died though. He’d died in what was perhaps the most ridiculous display of skill that Ron had ever seen, destroying the Dark Lord in a blaze of fiendfyre that took out half the outer grounds and there’d been that moment of hope, of _have we won-_

That had been before they’d all found out about the soul shards. Ron was still furious that that had been hidden from everyone while they’d tried to hunt them down – they could have _helped_ , maybe if they’d all been working together on it-

(He thought Hermione had known about it. He wasn’t sure what he’d say to her if that ever proved true.)

They hadn’t even had a month of celebration, of slowly relaxing into what they thought might be peace – mopping up the remnants of Death Eaters. Charlie had gone with some members of the Order; an assault on Malfoy Manor, one of the major Death Eater headquarters. There’d been a survivor, Nymphadora Tonks, managed to come staggering back to let them know _he’s back, he’s alive,_ blood choking up from her throat-

You-Know-Who didn’t bother to change his tactics. Why should he, when they’d worked so well? Why should he, when his greatest enemy wasn’t there to stop him anymore?

Grindelwald had been the _sensible_ choice, the _right_ choice. A wizard that had been the match of Dumbledore, who spoke of unity and repentance from his time in Nuremgard. Ron got shivers down his spine when he heard him talk the first time, bringing a message of hope when they were all but out of hope. They’d – started to push back, started to pull down some of the worst of the Death Eaters slowly, step by step. So what if it meant they had to ignore some of the assaults on the muggles? There were so many of them and so few wizards and sure, maybe he felt bad about it but – he only had one brother left now. His mum was a thin, pale pile of tears and fury every time he saw her. His dad had lost both his legs and one of his eyes. He _couldn’t_ lose any more of them, not when they’d given so much _already_.

And – he knew Hermione was smarter than him. He _knew_ that. But instead of trying to find ways to fight You-Know-Who she was making _posters_ , talking about rights when – when there were good men out there dying. When Grindelwald was calling for unity she was there poking holes in his speeches, nitpicking over every little word as if that was really what mattered. Trying to drag them all down.

He just – why couldn’t Hermione see that this was the only way that they could _win_? Some sacrifices needed to be made and he was just so damn tired of war.

He scrubbed his hands against his eyes again. He was just _so_ damn tired.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings. :))))
> 
> (This one's a bit for pyrobookwyrm, who was enthusiastic about PR!Harry. Hope you enjoy!)

It began mostly out of accident.

Scramble had been assigned to the 304th as a top-up, unlike most of his batch who went to Dor-Ela-Rund’s 411th. He’d stayed in contact with his batchmates, Captain Ash willing to sneak his messages through on Eskilon-5. There might have been a few offhand comments – things about the Speeder Levitation Incident, and That Time With The Massive Snake, No Really – and they’d ended up demanding proof.

It was just – it was really _hard_ to get the holovids transmitted through military encrypted channels, okay? It turned out the easiest way was actually to upload snapshots to Republigram which was public, _sure,_ but it wasn’t like he was sharing anything _confidential,_ not really. Anyway, no one paid attention to a minor account that Scramble ended up calling Commander304 for lack of creativity when staring at the screen.

(The first video he uploaded was of Commander Harry’s face-off with Poms in the infirmary, and it was hilarious, okay? The sight of the little Jedi thrown over the medic’s shoulder with a jogan fruit stuffed in his mouth and open exasperation on his face was well-worth any kind of censure.)

…

Scramble _still_ didn’t know how Cricket had tracked down the account so fast, but it had ended fairly predictably with his _ori’vod_ grinning manically as he handed over the account password.

“I have _so much_ to upload,” he said and there was something feral about his eyes that made Scramble shudder.

…

“There is _no way_ your Commander threw a droid over a hundred metres,” one of the 212th sent in a private message. “Our general can’t do that. I call bullshit.”

And that was just an open challenge wasn’t it? Because _both_ Cricket and Ricochet had videos of the Commander’s encounters with droids on Christophsis and _kriff_ the 212th’s General, their Commander could _most definitely_ use a droid as a bowling pin.

(They still didn’t know what a bowling pin was but _that was irrelevant_.)

…

(And – well – how were _they_ supposed to know that civilians would be interested in all of this?)

…

So the trip back to Coruscant had sucked _massively,_ if only because _all their battalion was dead_ , but – it was somehow comforting to throw up a couple of videos. And if most of them were of the Commander balancing various improbable things on people’s heads as they did pull-ups, well – there was nothing wrong with that, was there?

(‘02’s favourite submission was the point at which the medical droid had ended up on finger point on top of Rics’ downward dog position. ’49 preferred the various improbable yoga positions that Teejay, Scramble and Cricket had managed over Sergeant Lucian’s halfway hold in a pull-up. Sen had ended up shouting at all of them for over-exertion but – worth it.)

…

(“I get that the Force is involved but – like, the clones must be _hella_ flexible and if any of them want to get in contact with me, like, _hit me up_ , is all I’m saying-“)

…

The Sabacc Incident.

The less said about that the better ( _how_ did General Vos lose their Commander in a card game?!) but any observer _did_ have to admit, seeing hardened pirates fold under the Commander’s wounded Tooka eyes was an experience.

(And more to the point, seeing General Vos physically thrown out of the bar – and the adoption offers that came shortly after… well, that was even _more_ of an experience.)

(Lucian thought that Harry should have taken the Red Desert’s offer because – well, pirate padawan prince? Sounded an upgrade to him. Seefer was unamused at this.)

…

( _“_ What are the Jedi _doing?”_ an online comment screeched. “He is a _baby!_ ”

“The Pirate Padawan…” another commented. “I feel like there’s a novel in this.”)

…

It had been Seefer’s decanting day. (And Cricket, Ricochet, and Sketch’s decanting day too, but that wasn’t entirely the point.)

The Commander had found out somehow and had decided he was making some kind of traditional dish from his culture (a _birthday cake_?) and – well, they were all about spreading cultural enlightenment. Also, Cricket had to admit, watching the Commander’s despair at the cooking equipment available in the Padawans’ kitchens was an experience.

“Where are your _ovens?”_ Harry cried. “I just want something that heats. Stop reconstituting everything! _”_

There was some kind of brown batter that Cricket zoomed in on with morbid fascination – it looked like no ration pack he’d ever seen.

 _“_ Why don’t you just have _eggs?!”_

It turned out surprisingly well although the Commander had had a distinctly sour face while he munched his way through a slice of his cake.

“It tastes like _sadness_ ,” he informed Teejay grimly. “Your cooking brings me despair.”

“Tastes pretty good to me, Commander!” Teejay said brightly and the Commander looked at him, dead-eyed.

“Your life has been sadness _,”_ Harry said. “And ration packs. This is unacceptable. You need more treacle tart.”

(No one knew what treacle tart was, but that didn’t stop a few enterprising diners from advertising their authentic versions of the dish.)

…

“So the symbolism of _the Archon’s Garden…_ ” Rics asked leadingly, and Harry stared at him.

“He liked gardens?” he hazarded.

Rics sighed.

…

(“I’m with the kid,” a commenter left. “The symbolism has _clearly_ been added by later readers desperate to interpret what isn’t even there-“)

…

Armour. Sith-damned _armour_. Why did the Jedi _not wear armour?_

The various galactic commenters were _most definitely_ on the ‘troopers’ side here.

…

“Oh _my Force, I loved your holovids!_ ” the Bothan screeched and Harry stared at him.

“…Holovids?” Seefer asked. There was a note of danger in his voice that the Bothan didn’t seem to notice.

“ _You_ know,” he cried. “Commander 304 and his Troopers!”

 _What_.

(Behind them, Cricket and Scramble began to slink in the opposite direction.)


	8. Clone Names

**Seefer** got his name because his kid couldn’t pronounce his number. Not much more to it than that, and he was happy to throw down if anyone decided that was worth a joke or two. (And really, was there nothing more original to go with than _Seef’buir_?)

…

 **Wolffe’s** batch all took animal names and one of the alpha troops had found his habit of biting as a tubie funny. He didn’t see the issue. You used whatever weapons you had, right?

…

 **Ricochet** didn’t dodge quite fast enough at the target range. One of the Cuy’val Dar made a cutting comment about it, and about his ability to survive on a battle field, and it was maybe halfway between spite and a reminder that made him take it as his name.

…

 **Sen** might have had a highly embarrassing crush on Senator Organa for a while. He’d tried to hide it with an interest in ongoing senate-watching, claiming the politics were important to understand, but no one in his batch had been fooled. He’d picked up bits and pieces though and now he did have an actual interest in tracking debates which was somehow _more_ embarrassing.

…

 **Cricket** _did not_ like crickets. The noises they made were just weird, okay?

…

 **Lucian** had got into _the Seventh Planet from the Sun_ a few months before deployment – he’d had an agreement with one of the _vod’e_ on transmissions duty and managed to sneak the contraband fairly reliably. He didn’t see any issues with liking a period drama and maybe he’d tried to model himself a bit on the gruff Mando mercenary named Lucian with some _regrettable_ incidents but – there were worse names.

(He’d certainly given out worse names so-)

…

 **Sinker** … couldn’t swim. Not very well, anyway. He’d learned _eventually_ but it had taken him twice as long as anyone else and he still wasn’t too keen on water.

…

 **Sketch** liked sketching. No major surprise there. He might also have liked sketching a particularly attractive female member of the Cuy’val Dar who had not appreciated finding a nude portrait of her circulating the teens’ barracks. You live and learn, right?

…

 **Ricks** had been told he moved like an old lady. He hadn’t been the fastest in the batch but he still hit the targets, so the instructor could – well, maybe he shouldn’t be saying that. They’d used Ol’ Rickety as his name for a few weeks and he’d figured out eventually that the only way around that was through, so he shortened it and made it his own.

(He wasn’t going to pretend that he hadn’t taken a moment to smile when the old bastard had died though.)

…

 **Boost** claimed his name was due to his positivity, but really there’d been an incident with the jetpacks. He might still be banned from owning one which was totally unfair because jetpacks were _awesome._

…

No one really knew with **Teeks**. Apparently he liked the sound?

…

 **Scramble** had spent a bit too much time in various pits, swamps, lakes and – well, frankly every thing else you could fall into. He’d always got out of them eventually though.

…

 **Teejay’s** instructor didn’t like having to remember numbers. He’d gone through the squad person-by-person, demanding their name and handing one out when a _vod_ wasn’t quick enough to stutter something out. After hearing the two in front of him get named Babyface and Sparkles respectively he went for the first thing that came to mind.

…

 **Vee** might have had an incident with the ladies not too far from ’79s, over at Vel’s Valentines and they might have insisted that he pay it off for the night working the bar. Maybe it had been in a dress. Possibly.

 _Why_ had the Coruscant Guard been so close that night? As soon as one of his _vod’e_ heard the name the ladies had been calling him – apparently the whole place was V-themed – he’d had the immediate sinking feeling that _knew_ the name was going to stick.

He was pretty sure his squadmates didn’t know although sometimes Ricks’ grin edged on being a little _too_ knowing and – kriff, he was never going to live this down.

…

 **’49** was still working it out. He’d get there eventually, he figured, and he wanted it to be right.

(It helped to have a surname though – made him feel that the pieces were there and he didn’t have to rush).


	9. It's possible the Jedi might not be winning the public relations war

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ricks has been haunting the holonet, trying to gage public opinion on the war. It might be that he stumbles across a few controversial opinions there...
> 
> Warning: Big old rant on just how suspicious the whole clone war thing is from someone outside of the Jedi Order.
> 
> (With thanks to aerynevenstar for their guide on How to Mimic Social Media on AO3)

r/AskReddit

 **[SERIOUS] What’s the most terrifying conspiracy theory that you believe in?**  
submitted 2 hours ago by CoruscantCondorsXXNumber1Fan  
**24,762 Comments share report**

****ThrowawayforReasons#4423 \- 1,238 points - 1 hour ago

 **TLDR** : the current war has been entirely manufactured by a small group of people within the Jedi Order.

Alright, I get it. This one sounds absolutely out there. _But_ I don’t come unarmed to this discussion and I _absolutely kriffing promise you_ that if you come out of this thinking this is all one weird coincidence then… uh… well, I don’t really know what to say. But I’ll be judging you _hard_. Brace yourselves, because this one gets _long_.

Okay, so let’s set some background here. [The Jedi Order](none) has existed for [several thousand years](none), blah blah blah, ruled by an (unelected) [High Council](none) of highly regarded [Jedi Masters](none). One of those Jedi Masters is a small, unassuming being called [Yoda](none).

We’ll come back to him.

Jedi are typically taken to the Temple somewhere between [0-5 years old](none) where they cast off ties to their old lives and begin training as adepts of a mystical magical thing called [the Force](none). At some point in the next ten years or so (typically between [10-13 for human-typical aging species](none)) they are either failed out and sent to one of the [Service Corps](none) or they are adopted by a Jedi Master, at which point they are called a [Padawan](none). Jedi are [typically strongly discouraged from having children](none), so their Padawans are pretty much the closest thing they’re going to get to kids of their own. They’ll spend typically the [next fifteen years](none) training their Padawan, being solely responsible for their health, wellbeing, progression, etc. At some point, they will decide that they’re okay cutting the strings and will propose their Padawan for a [series of trials](none) at the end of which they are [a fully-fledged Jedi Knight](none), ready to go on missions by themselves. You’d therefore imagine that a Jedi Master and their Padawan are pretty _kriffing close_ to one another.

So. Yoda. This dude is somewhere over [800 years old](none). He’s been on the High Council for a [couple of hundred years](none), [Master of the Order](none) for a decent while and [Grand Master](none) of the Jedi Order for… I don’t even know how long. A long kriffing time. For those curious, he was recently [reinstated ](none)as Master of the Order because his temporary replacement, [Mace Windu](none), wanted to focus on his role as a general in the Grand Army of the Republic.

Master Yoda has trained three Padawans in his 800 years – and just to remind you all, those are the apprentices that are basically adoptions. [Yan Dooku](none) was the first, [Cin Drallig ](none)the second (apparently he[ heads up security](none) in the Temple) and the last was a temporary stint with a young [Mace Windu](none) after Windu’s previous Master parted ways with him, due his keenness on [executing a fraudster impersonating a Jedi](none), rather than letting [him face a court of law](none). That would be the Mace Windu who temporary led the High Council when Yoda ‘stood down’, by the way.

There might be a name that stands out there. That’s right! Yan Dooku is indeed [the current leader of the Separatist movement](none). Now hold on, you might be protesting. Sometimes kids just don’t turn out the way their parents want them to. And sure, I can understand that one. Let’s talk through the rest of the coincidences though.

Yan Dooku was a Jedi Master who trained under Yoda. During his time in the Order, he was well-regarded, even making it onto the [High Council](none). At some point in time, his [brother Ramil](none) died in a [mysterious fashion](none) and he decided that the life of an austere Jedi monk wasn’t for him and instead headed back to his birth planet to take on the [family fortune](none) and a nice neat title ([Count](none)). He [left the Order](none), claiming [philosophical differences](none), around 3245 LY. He’s one of [only twenty Jedi](none) who’ve ever left, by the way.

So back to Dooku. He adopted three kids – or trained three padawan, whatever. The first was a dude called [Rael Averross](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Rael_Averross) who uh… accidentally [killed his _own_ kid](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Rael_Averross), before then somehow ‘falling into’ [regency of a contested planet](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Pijal) and spending the next ten years [raising the crown princess](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Fanry). Quick note – said planet just happened to practice a bit of [casual slavery](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Fanry), as you do, and despite being raised by a so-called bastion of peace and Republic values, our dear [Princess Fanry](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Fanry) wasn’t so keen on [helping the slaves](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Fanry), ran an [attempted revolution](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Fanry) to remove a corporation from her planet, and was promptly overthrown by the slaves of [her own royal flagship](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Fanry). Oops. So despite spending ten years ruling a planet, raising a despot who practiced slavery, and… doing apparently nothing useful in the meantime, you’ll be glad to know that our dear Master Averross is [still a member of the Jedi Order](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Rael_Averross). Nice values there, guys. We’re not that interested in Averross though.

His second Padawan was a guy named [Qui-Gon Jinn](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Qui-Gon_Jinn). We’ll put a hold on him for a second. His final kid was named [Komari Vosa](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Komari_Vosa) and she … uh… happened to become a[ cult leader of the Bando Gora](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Komari_Vosa), in alliance with the [Hutts ](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Komari_Vosa)and the [Dugs of Malastare](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Komari_Vosa). Vosa, incidentally, was taken down by a [bounty hunte](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Komari_Vosa)r rather than the Jedi Order who theoretically [claim to stop rogue Jedi](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Komari_Vosa) from going around doing things like starting their own crime empires. Guess they happened to miss Vosa.

What about Qui-Gon Jinn? Well, you’ll be glad to know this guy was apparently some sort of paragon in comparison to “I raised a slaver” Averross and “Cults are fun” Vosa, albeit one with a significant reputation as a [maverick](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Qui-Gon_Jinn). That said, he did also manage to somehow raise a failed Jedi named [Xanatos ](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Xanatos)who quit to run the highly successful [Offworld](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Xanatos), which also happened to be involved in some [very dubious criminal endeavours](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Xanatos). Details. He trained another kid called [Feemor ](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Feemor)who seems to have done [absolutely nothing of interest, eve](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Feemor)r, and then finally took on our very own favourite [High General](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Obi-Wan_Kenobi/Legends), [Obi-Wan Kenobi](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Obi-Wan_Kenobi/Legends). Qui-Gon Jinn died in a [mysterious attack](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Invasion_of_Naboo) from someone the Jedi refused to name during the [Invasion of Naboo](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Invasion_of_Naboo) that many people pinpoint as the [beginning of the cold war](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Invasion_of_Naboo) that led to the eventual outbreak of real war with the Separatists.

Which brings us onto everyone’s favourite Jedi, Obi-Wan Kenobi! Our dashing [High General](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Obi-Wan_Kenobi/Legends) who’s on every holoreel, along with his own Padawan/son/whatever Anakin Skywalker. Obi-Wan Kenobi got his [promotion to knighthood](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Obi-Wan_Kenobi/Legends) from whatever the hell happened on Naboo, skipping those traditional Jedi trials with the endorsement of his great-grand-master, Yoda. He then went quiet for a few years as he trained his own Padawan, Anakin Skywalker, before re-emerging onto the public scene in a massive way when he helped uncover the [construction of a droid army at Geonosis](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Geonosis/Legends#Prelude_to_war). Despite the fact that he had no reason to be there, incidentally. He was also the one who happened to [track down that massive clone army](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Kamino#Pre-Clone_Wars) that [no one had a reason to build](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Kamino#Pre-Clone_Wars), but the Jedi decided just to have lying around, just in case, you never know when you might need one, right? He went from being a [relatively insignificant knight](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Obi-Wan_Kenobi/Legends) to a [Master on the High Council](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Obi-Wan_Kenobi/Legends), a [High General](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Obi-Wan_Kenobi/Legends) of the newly formed army, and a [household name](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Obi-Wan_Kenobi/Legends). Quite the jump.

His own Padawan, [Anakin Skywalker](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Anakin_Skywalker/Legends), was a [slave ](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Anakin_Skywalker/Legends)who won the [Boonta Eve Classi](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Boonta_Eve_Classic/Legends)c and from there presumably somehow caught the eye of a Jedi and re-emerged a few years later with one of those [kriffing awful braids](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Anakin_Skywalker/Legends) and hanging around [a certain beautiful senator](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Padm%C3%A9_Amidala). He’s also managed a [promotion ](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Anakin_Skywalker/Legends)out of the war, plus a whole shedload of notoriety – in particular, he seems to have wrangled his way into close contact with the Chancellor who’s seen here [looking a little bewildered](none) at his companion. I jest. Maybe.

That’s a whole lot of text but hopefully you’re all starting to see a few patterns here.

Firstly, we have the [leaders of both sides](none) coming from the [exact same family](none) – nicely set up whoever happens to win. Secondly, we have one of the [trigger points of the war](none) being attended by – oh, the [same members of that family](none). They’re also the ones who [provided a report to the Senate](none) on the hostilities of Naboo, by the way. And hey, [Queen Amidala](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Padm%C3%A9_Amidala) now seems _pretty_ cosy with [our Hero with No Fea](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Anakin_Skywalker/Legends)r…

 _Then_ , the Republic’s mysteriously appearing army happens to be brought to light by those [same family members](none) who… oh, we’re not surprised, _also_ happened to [discover the droid army](none) developed by the other side (who, we remind you, is _still related to them)_.

And out of all of that comes…

 **Master Yoda** gets reinstated as Master of the Order, as well as becoming a general of his own battalion

 **Count Dooku** gets… like, however many planetary systems he can conquer, a few armies, presumably all the accompanying trappings

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi** gets promoted to the High Council, becomes a High General, and gets a nice load of recognition among the patriotic citizens of the Republic

 **Anakin Skywalker** gets a promotion, a battalion, and to flutter his eyelashes at a beautiful senator. Oh, and to become a galaxy-wide heartthrob apparently.

And we’re only a year into this war so far.

So we’ve got two armies, both reporting in at the highest levels to members of the same family. We went to war on evidence provided by members of that family. They’ve done exceptionally well out of said war and are building intensely popular reputations with the general populace.

Are you genuinely trying to tell me that’s a coincidence?

(I think I’ve linked pretty much everything that needs a source – if anyone wants to debate me on it, please go ahead! But seriously guys, _this terrifies me._ )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty much all of the above is canon, as far as I could work out with heavy use of Wookieepedia (although some unfriendly slants might have been thrown here and there). I linked some of it, but I'm not going to lie, I got pretty bored and gave up partway through. I like to imagine this was mostly Palpatine, sat in a very boring meeting and trying to turn his time into something more productive (like slagging off his enemies online).


	10. After the War: On Quidditch

“And do you intend to stay with the GAR, after the war?” Thshthl asked brightly, one tentacle holding a discreet microphone while their droid filmed the interview. They were a squid-like being with horns still soft with youth, perhaps explaining why they thought to ask a question that was almost taboo of the clone troopers. It did, after all, presuppose that the clones had some kind of freedom of choice.

“No way,” Boost said immediately and behind him, Ricks let his eyes flutter shut in a moment of despair.

The reporter’s closest tentacle froze mid-air and their skin blanched to a pale lilac. “Ah,” they managed after a moment. “No?” They’d obviously been expecting some uplifting nonsense about the honour of serving and the desire to continue however the Republic needed them.

“Definitely not,” Boost confirmed. “As soon as we’re set free, I’m going to set up a Quidditch league. I’m taking our Padawan Commander with me too.”

“Are you now,” Seefer said, very flatly and Boost shrugged.

“I guess you can come too,” he said benevolently. “But me an’ Teejay have already figured it out and we’ve been sending around the training videos. The 472nd have said they’re up for forming a team and so have the 95th.”

“Excuse me,” Thshthl said quietly and was promptly ignored.

“We’re thinking maybe the Clone Condors for a team name,” Boost said and Ricks groaned.

“Absolutely not,” he said. “That’s appalling.”

“Hogwarts Hippogriffs,” the tiny human suggested off to one side. Was he old enough to be here? Thshthl always did struggle with human ages.

“Too long,” Ricks dismissed.

“Plo’s Penguins.”

“Can they even fly?”

“No,” the little human said and that seemed to scupper that name.

“Kamino-”

“ _No_.”

“ _Excuse me,_ ” Thshthl stressed and the conversation froze as if the participants had forgotten there was someone else there. After a long moment, Ricks cleared his throat.

“Was there something we could assist you with?” he asked and Thshthl fidgeted with their tentacles.

“I just,” they said and then ploughed on determinedly. “What is Quidditch?”

A slow look of delight spread across Boost’s face. “What is Quidditch?” he asked dramatically and Ricks groaned desperately. “Only _the best game in the galaxy._ Look, I have footage from my head-cam – let me show you-”

* * *

“And in the match up of the season we have the Gryffindor Goshawks vs. the Coruscant Cthons, and the Cthons’ Commander Fox is _out for blood!”_


End file.
